Tuesday, August 11, 2015

My biggest regret...

WARNING:
This post contains mature subject matter.

When I was 14 I met and fell "in love" with a 16 year old boy. Of course when you are that age you think you really are in love, but the truth is you have no idea what love really is. Now this boy was very respectful and treated me wonderfully, but the longer we dated, the more intimate we became. We were teenagers...bodies flooded with hormones, and we wanted each other.

The topic of losing our virginity to each other came up about a year into our relationship (please do not judge my parents for allowing us to date...they were not happy about me dating so young...trust me).  My boyfriend never pressured me into having sex. He wanted to of course, like any horny 17 year old boy would, but he never pressured me. For some crazy reason, I thought 15 was mature enough to lose my virginity! Oh how we think we are so grown up at that age. 

Anyway, my mom was very concerned and repeatedly asked me to wait until I was married. That sex before marriage was a sin (which it is). But in my head, I convinced myself that God would be ok with it since I really loved my boyfriend. You see, this is how an immature mind works. And because I was only 15, I rationalized that God would be ok with it.
After much thought, and being convinced this was the boy that I was going to marry anyway, I decided it was time.

We planned the night to be New Years Eve. It was important to me that we not be in the back of some car, and we couldn't do it at either one of our parents homes, so we went to someone's house (You see...kids can always find a way).

He brought a couple condoms and we decided this was the moment. It was a disaster! It hurt so badly that we could barely even do it. I ended up crying, he felt terrible, and it was all a mess. NOT how the movies portrayed it, not how I imagined it would be.  I was so upset.

THEN...the guilt set in. That's it. I've lost my virginity. It's all over. 
From then on, I had no reason to restrain myself with him, or any other future boyfriend I had.
Here's the thing...everyone always preached at me to WAIT...but no one talked to me about what happens if you don't wait. No one told me about second chances, or God's grace and forgiveness. 
So I repeated beat myself up about it. I was ruined so why ever tell any future boyfriend that I "loved" that we couldn't have sex. I already lost my virginity, so what difference would stopping make?!?!?

BUT, here's the thing. It would have made a HUGE difference. And this is why I am writing this. Maybe this is for a mom who needs to talk to her kids not only about waiting until they get married, but also that they can stop if they make a mistake. Or maybe this is for a teen who is contemplating sex or already had sex. You don't have to keep having sex just because you lost your virginity. You can still save yourself for your future husband or future wife. 

You see no one ever talked to me about second chances. But that is what Christ is all about. His love and grace doesn't stop once we screw up in life. Each passing moment is a chance to turn it all around. And that is what repentance means. To stop, turn around, and walk in the opposite direction of which you were going. To not only ask for forgiveness...but to RECEIVE it as well.

When I met Jamie, I knew he was the one for me. And after years and years of messing up, I knew I could still save myself for him. I wanted a wedding night. I wanted to walk down that aisle never having been with him. I wanted that excitement and intimacy that only married couples should share.
Thankfully he wanted that as well. 

Jamie wasn't a virgin either, but we both knew we wanted to save ourselves for our wedding night. We didn't want our wedding night to be just another night of having sex with each other. We wanted it to be special. We wanted to look at each other all night at the reception with excitement about the night to come.  

And we had our wedding night, and it was beautiful. It was everything I could have wanted. My only regret was I couldn't give him my virginity. I can never tell him he's the only man I've ever been with, and he can never tell me I'm the only woman he's ever been with. Sometimes that's hard for me as a wife. I don't like to picture my husband with someone else in my head, sharing those intimate moments. It brings rise to jealousy and a host of insecurities.  

So trust me...the benefits of waiting until you are married to have sex far outweigh the opposition. BUT....if you do or did lose your virginity...you can have a second chance! You can still be forgiven and can still wait until your wedding night. Jesus forgives and Jesus saves. We ALL have sinned...that's why we need a savior! So don't think you've ever screwed up too many times to be loved by the Savior. 

In a world where no one waits for anything...wait for your husband or wife, even if you have already made a mistake. Start over, and have that incredible wedding night where it's all about your union and love for each other. It is so worth it! 

XOXO,

Mandy



6 comments:

  1. Great post! I was the girl who did wait till marriage. And it was hard. ..I was tempted so many times. People told me why not...I was engaged to him...might as well. But I didnt. My hubs wasn't a virgin when we got married and that was a bit hard but it was as you said...exciting to share our first night together. Thank you for this post.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Great post! I was the girl who did wait till marriage. And it was hard. ..I was tempted so many times. People told me why not...I was engaged to him...might as well. But I didnt. My hubs wasn't a virgin when we got married and that was a bit hard but it was as you said...exciting to share our first night together. Thank you for this post.

    ReplyDelete
  3. This was very courageous, thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I love you, I love you!!! Our stories are different paths with different struggles, but God's redemption of our married journeys are the same!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Love this post! Everything you said is so true! I didn't wait until marriage and I really wish I had.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thank you for sharing your heart, Mandy. :)

    ReplyDelete